


Right and wrong

by Kikibebe



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Maybe Breakup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 18:46:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18970909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kikibebe/pseuds/Kikibebe
Summary: Is love always enough?





	Right and wrong

**Author's Note:**

> I just need to get this out of my system before getting back into writing my other fic. I love Kihyun and Changkyun so much and I am sorry for hurting them.  
> This hasn't been proofread and English is not my mother tongue so there might be mistakes and confused word choices. I might continue this but no promises.

Tears are silently rolling down his face. People say Kihyun is a quiet crier. No one can notice Kihyun is crying if they do not pay attention. And here he is, sitting on the floor, one hand on his lap and the other gripping the bed sheet tightly, shoulders hunched and quivered with each silent sob he breathes out next to a sleeping, drunk Changkyun. Changkyun used to be the first person noticing when Kihyun cried but now, now it does not seem to be the case anymore. 

***

Changkyun has been Kihyun’s boyfriend for more than six years. They started dating after Changkyun confessed on a snowy day. They met when Kihyun volunteered to be the tutor for the new students and Changkyun was one of the freshmen in his group. After the orientation week, somehow Kihyun just kept bumping into Changkyun, at the cafeteria, in the hallway, at the library and even in the ramen shop that Kihyun worked part-time at. Later, Changkyun admitted that he asked around and made efforts to see Kihyun as much as he could to get the attention of the cute, lovely, confident senior who majored in vocal performance and was so passionate about his dream teaching children in the church choir. They dated for two months before Kihyun said yes when Changkyun asked him to be his boyfriend on Kihyun’s graduation day. They moved in together after a year in the relationship into Changkyun’s small apartment near the university even though it took Kihyun an hour by bus to go to the kindergarten where he then worked as the music teacher. Time passed and Changkyun graduated. He got into music production. Kihyun often bought, downloaded and showed off all the songs (with appropriate language) that Changkyun involved to his babies at the kindergarten with a proud, dimpled grin. Changkyun produced his own rap music but he mostly just released those for free on Soundcloud. His income came from working with a music production team to put out songs for famous singers and idols. Then one of the songs Changkyun produced for an idol group blew up. With the royalties, they moved into a bigger apartment in one of the most expensive districts in Seoul. A place close to Changkyun’s studio but further away from Kihyun’s kindergarten. 

Changkyun usually lied on his lap and let Kihyun play with his hair when he needed inspiration. He called Kihyun his muse. There were songs Changkyun wrote for Kihyun. Songs about his beautiful nose, his moles that scattered like constellations on his pale soft skin, his chubby cheeks and pouty lips. And songs about how Kihyun cared for Changkyun so much and how Changkyun could rely on Kihyun with everything. It was wonderful then but now it is breaking their relationship. Kihyun knew that work had been piled up at Changkyun’s studio. So Kihyun had always been so understanding every time Changkyun called home and asked to canceled their Friday dinner and movie together. Kihyun would get up from the dining table, save whatever food he could for lunch the day after, turn on Netflix, curl up with a pillow on the sofa and wait for Changkyun to get home. Kihyun had doubts and sensed something going wrong but he assured himself that Changkyun loved him, had loved him and would always, right? ...right?

Today is the fifth Friday it has happened in the last two months. The only difference is that except for the short answers, exhausted eyes, and avoided touches, Changkyun came home drunk. Kihyun was dozing off watching something he could not recall the title when Changkyun kicked the door open and staggered into the living room. Kihyun immediately stood up and ran to Changkyun side.

“Are you okay? Why are you so drunk? You can not drink so why did you drink so much today? Kunggie! Can you stand?”

“You ask me why? You are why” Changkyun shouted

“Shh, baby. It is late. Get your arm over my shoulder, I will bring you to bed and I will talk to you tomorrow when you are sober, okay, Kunggie? You are too drunk”

Swatted away Kihyun’s hand, Changkyun took a step back, widened the distance between them.

“No. I want to talk. I need to talk. Everyone says I am so lucky to have you but you know how hard it has been for me to be by your side.”

“What do you mean?”

“You are perfect, Kihyun. A perfect teacher, a perfect son, and a perfect boyfriend. You always care so much. You support me and do everything for me. And you know what the problem is. You do that unconditionally.”

“That is the problem? I love you Changkyun”

“Then your love makes me feel trapped. Whenever you do something nice to me, I feel guilty. Fucking guilty, watching you doing everything for me.”

“I do not understand”

“You bring me lunch, Kihyun. And my studio is two hours away from your kindergarten. You never demand anything, anything from me. When I was a student, you bought me food, took care of me. Now when I can make money, you still pay for food and things, saying that I already paid enough when buying this freaking apartment. You are my boyfriend, Kihyun. Why couldn’t you have relied on me?”

“Changkyun! I am…  I do not know what to say. I just thought..”

“Yes. You thought. You fucking thought you were doing me a favor. But all I can feel now looking at you is gratitude and guilt. I am thankful for everything you have done for me without asking but I can not do the same to you. I can not spoil you. Because you NEVER give me a chance to. The almighty Kihyun who can do everything himself and he is here to save Changkyun”

A sob broke out from Changkyun and he slumped down to the floor.

“I feel useless sometimes watching you doing things by yourself. I do not know what I can do to care for you. I can not figure out how to love you, Kihyun”

Kihyun went speechless at what came out of his boyfriend’s mouth. The pain expression on Changkyun’s face, his bloodshot eyes, his hand sloppily wiping tears and snorts, hurt Kihyun so much. Then Changkyun’s voice got quieter, turned into broken mumbles between Kihyun’s name, “love” and “hate”. 

***

Watching Changkyun’s chest move up and down with each breath he takes and exhales, Kihyun can not decipher how someone can bring him so much happiness in life can be also hurt so much because of him. The thought that he fails as a boyfriend keeps gnawing his mind. Kihyun always prioritizes Changkyun because Changkyun is his home. Anything that he thinks will make Changkyun happy, he will do. But apparently, loving can be wrong, too. 


End file.
